Modern-Day Work Connections Are Weakening
My musings on the decline of the work bestie and work spouse
I came across an article today that, unsurprisingly, caught my eye: “Cultivating Connection: The Secret Sauce to Thriving at Work”. In it, author and executive coach Morag Barrett (a great LinkedIn follow for people who think a lot about employee experience like me) examines the idea of how important connection is to work teams. She cites a recent Glassdoor survey of 800 professionals that found:
53% of respondents said they avoided making connections at work in order to keep work and personal life separate.
Less than 25% of respondents said they stayed in a job because they had a “work bestie”.
21% of respondents described themselves as having a work spouse while 44% said they would never have one.
I was shocked by these numbers as they didn’t seem to mirror my own experience at all: I have been extremely lucky that throughout my adult life, I have found deep and meaningful connections at nearly every place I’ve worked. Nearly every work spouse I have ever had has transformed into an integral part of my life outside of work. Many of my closest friendships are in some way connected to the workplace. My ride or die group of girlfriends, lovingly known as the ChemWyves, formed about 12 years ago and grew from our shared experience working for the same government contractor in Washington, DC in our early career days. Relationships were built working long hours trying to prove ourselves and get the sought-after experience we wanted to keep growing in our industry. When you spend 60+ hours a week in close proximity to others, you get to know them well whether you intend to or not. Long work days turned into happy hours that led even later into the evenings, and ever so naturally, our connections started to surpass that of colleagues. Asking how our timesheet system worked turned to advice on where to find that cute pencil skirt (ugh, I do not miss those pencil skirts) or the cheapest place to get your hair cut well. That in turn led to going to concerts together and encouraging each other to go hit on that cute person on the dance floor, which inevitably led to next-morning debriefs on our crazy nights. Little by little, those threads of connection grew, different colors weaving in to accentuate the work connection, creating a beautiful tapestry that was so strong that even when we one-by-one inevitably left our employer (and then DC, and then, for some of us, the country), the snapping of that one work-related thread was barely felt. We were bonded.
Even outside of my own personal experience, having witnessed many, many exits from the various organizations I’ve worked for, and having recently experienced the massive layoffs that have hit the foreign aid industry due to the cruel dismantling of the US international aid system, I can say with certainty that nearly everyone who left cited the people they worked with as the thing they’ll miss the most - not the sense of fulfillment in the work we did (and it was fulfilling), not the exciting trips to faraway places that existed in our industry, not the job perks or the pay or the benefits - the people.
These connections, while they may seem trivial to some, are integral to a positive work experience. Not only that, but they actually impact our work performance. Adam Grant, one of my favorite thinkers on all things relationship and neuroscience-based, adds that “on average, people perform better when they’re working with friends.” Barrett agrees, citing that when we have strong, trusting relationships at work, “instead of simply clocking in, we engage deeply, innovate together, and support one another through both the easy peasy lemon squeezy days and the tougher ones...Nurturing human connections creates an environment where each team member can excel. We can both be our best selves and do our best work.” I wholeheartedly agree.
There’s still much to be said and researched about the “why” of all of this - many are pointing to the more common hybrid workplace where people are often no longer working in the same physical space as their immediate team members. Adam Grant also observes that people are not staying at jobs as long as they used to: “Since we don’t plan to stick around, we don’t invest in the same way. We view coworkers as transitory ties, greeting them with arms-length civility while reserving real camaraderie for outside work.” Regardless of the why, I myself believe deeply in the power and importance of meaningful connection in all places (duh, that’s why this whole Substack started) and I think meaningful connection can be made even if it’s not a work bestie/work spouse-level of connection. Barrett offers some helpful tips on how to build connection in a team, all of which I enthusiastically co-sign onto, but two that I want to specifically highlight:
Create intentional interactions with your coworkers - ask meaningful questions. There are some great tools out there to help do this both in-person and remotely, like my fav teambuilding game Cozy Juicy Real. Even starting each team meeting with a quick “getting to know you question” can help strengthen these connections.
Embrace vulnerability - Brene Brown says it beautifully over and over again and I will be a ride-or-die zealot of hers until the end of days. “Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.” Choose to show up as your full authentic self (when safe) and encourage others to do so. Connections will be made and strengthened through these acts of vulnerability.
Whether you have a solid support network of people outside of work and are not looking to add anymore meaningful friendships or you’re brand new to a city and hoping to find friends at work; whether you plan to be in your job for one month or one year or indefinitely; whether you are an introvert, an extrovert, a shy extrovert, a charismatic introvert; I encourage you to try and deepen your connections at work, however that may look like. As uncomfortable or awkward as it may seem at first, the data doesn’t lie - it will lead to more fulfilling time spent at work and better performance for you and your colleagues. And who knows? It may even lead to some of the most meaningful relationships of your life. #ChemWyves4Life
Does this resonate with you? If so, who are your work besties/spouses? Do you disagree? If so, what different type of work experience are you seeking? Let’s chat in the comments!
I wholeheartedly agree. Some of my best friends have come from work relationships over the 40 years I was with the Lake County Forest Preserves. And even more recently, my new closest friends have come from my retired part time work at Mee Kwon Golf Course. I can’t imagine a better way to create new relationships than working with people with similar likes and motivations. My kingdom for great and lasting friendships!
Thanks for bringing this up, Shayne! Love your perspective.
In my roles in higher education and philanthropy, quasi-government/nonprofit, the phrase "we don't have to like each other to work together" is common. To me, this isn't about liking or not liking each other: it's about developing shared frameworks of negotiation, conflict resolution, decision-making, etc. it's that you need new skills and different conversations in order to work together. Friendship, and a deeper sense of collaboration, form as a result. And how lovely that they do. Some of my best friends, which will be lifelong friends, are the result of working together.